The Transporters

So I went on my first overnight prisoner transport on Wednesday to Idaho Falls. This is not a regular thing for me, but because it was my weekend and I really needed the overtime (like 26 hours worth!), I volunteered to be the 3rd officer on the bus. The two regular transport officers, Don and Kevin, were about as crusty old codgers as you could ever ask for. Don, who was prior Army, has been in the corrections business for 23 years (which is nearly as long as I've been alive) and doing transports for about ten years. Kevin has been in corrections since 1986 and doing transports for nearly as long as Don.

During the course of the trip I learned a little bit about their respective histories. Don had been in an armored unit during the cold war in the 70's. His unit was stationed along the communist border in Germany as a buffer in case of a Russian attack. If such an event were to ever take place, his unit's life expectancy was just under two hours. Of course being prior Army, he had an endless supply of Marine jokes. Kevin, who was born and raised in Wyoming, had a "kick-yourself-in-the-ass" story to end all "kick-yourself-in-the-ass" stories. In 1973, while he was working drilling soil samples looking for coal and uranium ore deposits, two friends came to him asking him to join in their business venture. Being as these two were already thousands of dollars in debt because of this venture, and because they had a habit of not returning borrowed tools, Kevin declined. The business - oil drilling in Wyoming. Seven years later they sold the company for $24 million. It's too bad that foresight isn't 20/20.

Marine jokes aside, doing the transport with these two individuals was educational both professionally and personally. Rather then bore you with the technical details of transporting offenders across the state, I will share with you some of the wonderful euphemisms I learned on my trip:

• "Stink pickle" - a turd
• "Dookers" - an inmate taking a dump
• "Shaking like an old dog passing a peach pit" - describing the effects of caffeine while aiming a gun
• "Scrubbing Bubbles" - describing the effect of Michelob Amber Bock beer on the bowels

I am sure there are more, but I cannot remember right now. In trade for these poetic gifts I showed them the "the Shocker" , which, of course, was an instant hit.

I hope I get to do this again sometime, if not for the extra cash, then for the educational opportunities. I guess you really can learn something new every day.

Thought of the day:

"It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated." - Alec Bourne

Ok, Here Goes...Any Time Now...

Hello and welcome to my blog. As I am about a decade behind everybody else in starting a blog and have no idea in hell about what I am doing, I have decided to wing it. So, here goes. First off let's get one thing clear - I am an absolutely, 100%, no if's, and's or but's, a very boring person. It's in my nature. I do not choose to be this way, it's what I am. You have been warned. That being said, well, I got nothin'.

I guess the above is not entirely true. I did manage to get married. She says it was because I made her laugh. I'd like to think it was the size of my penis. Either way it happened. I spent five years in the Marines (which probably didn't hurt the me getting married part) and went to the big sand box twice, once to the one called Afghanistan, and then once to the one called Iraq. It was ok, but getting mortared and rocketed on a regular basis tends to get old.

As is often a result of being married, (or promiscuous sex, both of which have their own rewards) I also am a father to a beautiful two year old girl. This has turned out to be a lesson in how looks can be deceiving, or how never to judge a book by it's cover or any other of the myriad of similar proverbs. The point is is that this child is hell on wheels, the devil incarnate. First off she cusses like a sailor. Second, she is VERY defiant with a resounding "No!" being her response to any question, request or demand directed toward her. Third, and perhaps the most damning, she is entirely too cute - and she knows it. The following is an actual converstion that took place between her and I this morning:

"Emma, take off your clothes so you can shower with mom"
"No!"
"Em, you need to take off your clothes."
"No, I'm shaking my booty. I'm sexy!"
"Emma, you are two, you are not sexy. Take off your clothes and get in the shower with mom. And no more MTV."

I am so in trouble when she gets to be a teenager...

Right now I am a correctional officer for the great state of Idaho. The Gem State - home of the ski-lift, Furbies, truck beepers and the ever-popular television. Where the license plates proclaim "Great Potatoes". No, I don't get to carry a gun daily, but I do have a badge, which is pretty cool. The website with the job description says,

"Become part of an organization where you will work with dedicated and extraordinary people who have commitment and skills to protect communities and provide offenders with the tools to succeed."

In reality I look at assholes all day. No I am not talking about about the offenders or my co-workers, I am talking about honest-to-goodness real live brown eyes, poopchutes and chocolate starfish. It is not very pleasant. A large part the problem of any prison system is contraband, e.g. drugs, weapons, money, etc. To combat this problem we conduct searches. Pat searches, bunk searches, vehicle searches, and, everybody's favorite, the ever-popular strip searches (or, as we like to call them, "unclothed body searches"). No invasive cavity searches here folks - we leave that to the medical personnel. We just give them the good 'ol "lift your junk, squat and cough" routine. I like to call it the Monkey Dance.

I guess that's enough typing for now. Time to stop hiding and get to work. There's probably an asshole that needs to wink at me somewhere.

Thought of the day:

"When you have a number of disagreeable duties to perform, always do the most disagreeable first." - Josiah Quincy III

So it begins...

Valonus Amniculi: i should start my own blog
Valonus Amniculi: but my life isn't nearly as interesting as yours
redoneder: dude
redoneder: obviously you haven't read my blog
Valonus Amniculi: but i have
Valonus Amniculi: it's entertaining
redoneder: "today i fell down the stairs in the skyway. then i ate chicken.:"
Valonus Amniculi: i know!
Valonus Amniculi: that is awesome!
redoneder: that's my life
Valonus Amniculi: i know! that is awesome!
redoneder: you need to get out more, man
Valonus Amniculi: i know!
redoneder: i know!

Sorry folks, but this is what you are in for. More on me later...

Thought of the day:

"I learned always to trust my own deep sense of what I should do, and not just obediently trust the judgment of others - even others better than I am." - Barbara Deming