Ok, Here Goes...Any Time Now...

Hello and welcome to my blog. As I am about a decade behind everybody else in starting a blog and have no idea in hell about what I am doing, I have decided to wing it. So, here goes. First off let's get one thing clear - I am an absolutely, 100%, no if's, and's or but's, a very boring person. It's in my nature. I do not choose to be this way, it's what I am. You have been warned. That being said, well, I got nothin'.

I guess the above is not entirely true. I did manage to get married. She says it was because I made her laugh. I'd like to think it was the size of my penis. Either way it happened. I spent five years in the Marines (which probably didn't hurt the me getting married part) and went to the big sand box twice, once to the one called Afghanistan, and then once to the one called Iraq. It was ok, but getting mortared and rocketed on a regular basis tends to get old.

As is often a result of being married, (or promiscuous sex, both of which have their own rewards) I also am a father to a beautiful two year old girl. This has turned out to be a lesson in how looks can be deceiving, or how never to judge a book by it's cover or any other of the myriad of similar proverbs. The point is is that this child is hell on wheels, the devil incarnate. First off she cusses like a sailor. Second, she is VERY defiant with a resounding "No!" being her response to any question, request or demand directed toward her. Third, and perhaps the most damning, she is entirely too cute - and she knows it. The following is an actual converstion that took place between her and I this morning:

"Emma, take off your clothes so you can shower with mom"
"No!"
"Em, you need to take off your clothes."
"No, I'm shaking my booty. I'm sexy!"
"Emma, you are two, you are not sexy. Take off your clothes and get in the shower with mom. And no more MTV."

I am so in trouble when she gets to be a teenager...

Right now I am a correctional officer for the great state of Idaho. The Gem State - home of the ski-lift, Furbies, truck beepers and the ever-popular television. Where the license plates proclaim "Great Potatoes". No, I don't get to carry a gun daily, but I do have a badge, which is pretty cool. The website with the job description says,

"Become part of an organization where you will work with dedicated and extraordinary people who have commitment and skills to protect communities and provide offenders with the tools to succeed."

In reality I look at assholes all day. No I am not talking about about the offenders or my co-workers, I am talking about honest-to-goodness real live brown eyes, poopchutes and chocolate starfish. It is not very pleasant. A large part the problem of any prison system is contraband, e.g. drugs, weapons, money, etc. To combat this problem we conduct searches. Pat searches, bunk searches, vehicle searches, and, everybody's favorite, the ever-popular strip searches (or, as we like to call them, "unclothed body searches"). No invasive cavity searches here folks - we leave that to the medical personnel. We just give them the good 'ol "lift your junk, squat and cough" routine. I like to call it the Monkey Dance.

I guess that's enough typing for now. Time to stop hiding and get to work. There's probably an asshole that needs to wink at me somewhere.

Thought of the day:

"When you have a number of disagreeable duties to perform, always do the most disagreeable first." - Josiah Quincy III