The Transporters

So I went on my first overnight prisoner transport on Wednesday to Idaho Falls. This is not a regular thing for me, but because it was my weekend and I really needed the overtime (like 26 hours worth!), I volunteered to be the 3rd officer on the bus. The two regular transport officers, Don and Kevin, were about as crusty old codgers as you could ever ask for. Don, who was prior Army, has been in the corrections business for 23 years (which is nearly as long as I've been alive) and doing transports for about ten years. Kevin has been in corrections since 1986 and doing transports for nearly as long as Don.

During the course of the trip I learned a little bit about their respective histories. Don had been in an armored unit during the cold war in the 70's. His unit was stationed along the communist border in Germany as a buffer in case of a Russian attack. If such an event were to ever take place, his unit's life expectancy was just under two hours. Of course being prior Army, he had an endless supply of Marine jokes. Kevin, who was born and raised in Wyoming, had a "kick-yourself-in-the-ass" story to end all "kick-yourself-in-the-ass" stories. In 1973, while he was working drilling soil samples looking for coal and uranium ore deposits, two friends came to him asking him to join in their business venture. Being as these two were already thousands of dollars in debt because of this venture, and because they had a habit of not returning borrowed tools, Kevin declined. The business - oil drilling in Wyoming. Seven years later they sold the company for $24 million. It's too bad that foresight isn't 20/20.

Marine jokes aside, doing the transport with these two individuals was educational both professionally and personally. Rather then bore you with the technical details of transporting offenders across the state, I will share with you some of the wonderful euphemisms I learned on my trip:

• "Stink pickle" - a turd
• "Dookers" - an inmate taking a dump
• "Shaking like an old dog passing a peach pit" - describing the effects of caffeine while aiming a gun
• "Scrubbing Bubbles" - describing the effect of Michelob Amber Bock beer on the bowels

I am sure there are more, but I cannot remember right now. In trade for these poetic gifts I showed them the "the Shocker" , which, of course, was an instant hit.

I hope I get to do this again sometime, if not for the extra cash, then for the educational opportunities. I guess you really can learn something new every day.

Thought of the day:

"It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated." - Alec Bourne